Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
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God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.