They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
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My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
is this meant to deter me
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
*jingles half the way*
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.