This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
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Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me My dog
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.