One venti cheeseburger please.
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Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…