Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
You Might Also Like
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
#polloftheday