You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
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Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Isn’t
multitasking lunch
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.