I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
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If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
#catsoftwitter
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs