When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave