“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
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My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I am having an out of money experience.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.