Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt