Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
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If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.