SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
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Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Woke up against my better judgment again
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then