I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
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[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.