Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
“Why you watching this shit?”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
For the ones in the back.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
me adding lol on a serious message
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
*jingles half the way*
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
A leaf blower, but for people.