There is no “we” in pizza
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Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
catch me on valentine’s day like
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.