“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
the answer was staring at me all along
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Software Development ⛵️
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation