You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.