People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
This is my cat’s medicine.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
#dalle2
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.