I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.