Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
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Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I want this so bad
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.