I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
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It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Perfect
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Taliband
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you