dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
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Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer: