Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
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Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
new wife guy just dropped
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.