me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
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[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I have obtained a hat
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
oppen heimer style lol
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen