Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
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[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
This is a bad sign
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu