I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
You Might Also Like
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
incredible book dedication
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall