Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
You Might Also Like
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful