If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
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My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last