Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
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umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.