i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
You Might Also Like
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”