Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
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Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
multitasking lunch
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy