Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!