Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
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How I like cutting carbs
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
is it earth
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
me doing my best
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever