The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
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Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.