The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.