The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
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Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
*me flirting
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.