Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
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I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
plums roundup
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.