My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad