Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
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Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Squirrels before girls.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
incredible text to wake up to
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Bike is short for Bichael.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.