Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
You Might Also Like
Catering service
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines