I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Practicing safe sax
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.