Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
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“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
what are they serving at kfc then???
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.