If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
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make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Well well well…
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.