My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
me
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie