9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
This was a bad idea all around
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Your secret is safeish with me
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.