Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
You Might Also Like
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.