*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?