doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
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Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
We all have our pet causes.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”