Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
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“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho