Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
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Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
🤣🤣🤣
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!